When I get anxious I drop my comfortable heavy truths in a theoretical pocket. I picture them smooth and cold like the turquoise horse my grandma gave me once or the black raven I brought home for my mother from New Mexico. I collect these, clinking together in my soft pocket; I am loved, I am capable, I have a home with a roof and a door, I have food in my cupboard, I have friends I can call, I have two feet planted firmly on the ground. The weight is safety.
There are small holes in this pocket though. The seams are pulled in places, the fabric threadbare. Small things get through the chinks and change the satisfying rhythm of my heavy truths to dull thuds in an uneven tempo. I keep a ledger of these intruders in a small black notebook by my bed and I cross them off as the fade from view, as worries always do.
The big things get in some days too. Death, failure, self loathing, permanent loneliness. When this happens it takes my breath away, sometimes actually leaves me gasping for air. “Are you heavy enough to make me stay?” repeats in my head until the heavy truths come back to my pocket. Small at first: “you’re wearing your favorite dress” and then bigger “you care this much because you’re doing what you love” until there’s air in the atmosphere again, until my feet are back on the ground.
I keep on thinking the office is weirdly quiet and then I remember its a friday in summer and I’m just a giant loser.
For Frances, it was a point of pride at one point that she was undateable. This feeling that she didn’t fit into hetero-normative structures, that she wasn’t able to settle down, and no man would be able to handle her. She thought that she and her friend were like that and that they would grow old together and be spinsters or something. As the movie goes on, she realizes that she doesn’t want to be left out of that aspect of life. I don’t think she becomes worried about it so much as there’s just a moment where she sees a man, Benji (Michael Zegen), who she could have probably dated, with another girl, and she thinks, “Everybody is moving on and coupling off and doing these things, and I haven’t done it and maybe that was the wrong choice.” For her, it’s more about that.